I actually started writing a blog called Accepting You, but half way through I was like hoooold up, i'm missing a trick here, you need to find yourself first! I have been on the mother of all roller coaster journeys the last few years and the biggest reward has been finding myself. It's wonderful that I am in this place now, saying these words, writing this blog, I am grateful for this awareness and the irony here is that I never even considered myself as lost?! Looking back however, hindsight is a wonderful thing and all that jazz, it's as obvious as a big fat sardine slap in the face that I was indeed lost (that saying came to my head in the now and I'm just rolling with it - stick with me). *Drifts down a rabbit hole of wondering how it would feel to be slapped in the face with a sardine, aren't they tiny? Starts to question the use of "big fat sardine slap" 😂*
Anyhoo, over the last few years my relationship with everything and anything has been entirely transformed, intrinsically linked with the journey of finding myself. It has been through finding myself that I've been able to ascertain boundaries. Boundaries - another word I'm blessed to be writing about, having never understood what they were until around a year ago. I know i'm not alone though, so many of you are the same, saying yes when you want to say no, committing to things and people that you know will zap you of energy but doing it anyway through either fear of upsetting someone, being seen as a "let down", worrying you'll get "FOMO" (fear of missing out for those not so down with the kids 😉) or just simply because we're so programmed to put everybody first other than ourselves and therefore giving into this obligatory "yes" culture. The problem when we do this, is that whenever we say yes and want to say no, we are working against ourselves. Our subconscious, aware of the fact this is not what we want, nor what we need, questions our loyalty to ourself and inherently learns to distrust us. If our own subconscious doesn't trust us, then that's not a very good starting point, as our entire energy flow can fall out of alignment and begin to manifest in all sorts of other unhealthy symptoms - chronic fatigue, headaches, aches and pains, low mood, anxiety.. the list is endless.
We are taught from a young age to be good people, to be agreeable, to be compliant, maybe not directly by our parents but that's certainly what society wants and needs for it to work in a somewhat orderly manner. Society doesn't encourage us to open our hearts to what our true purpose is, or to follow our dreams, it teaches us a curriculum and how to find a "safe", acceptable and respectful place in a capitalist society. I understand the logic of why this is needed to maintain order to provide structure, but having gone through quite frankly a whole load of life hurdles, after 35 years of playing my part in it, I'm officially checking the fook out. This whole concept of being "selfish" for putting yourself first is another belief that really gets on my tits (excuse the language) because my god, if we aren't looking after ourselves, how in Gods name are we supposed to be the best version of ourselves? How can we live a life of meaning? How can we get to the end of our lives and truly look back feeling nothing but gratitude for all of the wonderful memories we've acquired, as opposed to the other outcome - finding ourselves filled with regret? If I didn't start my healing journey and start to look inwards, I have no doubt at all that I would be filled with regret on my death bed and that's just not an option for me. I want to live an authentic life that results in me feeling truly fulfilled at the end. Surely that's what we all want right? Time is one of those things that we have zero control over, it is inevitable and so after feeling like I have wasted the first 35 years of my life, putting everyone else's needs first, living within the constraints of what I thought I should be, I won't be wasting a single second going forward.
Through finding myself, and that means truly understanding who I am, what I love, what my aspirations are, who my people are as opposed to who I needed to be to fit in, what I needed to earn to be valued in society, or how I should behave to keep people 'on side', I have been able to make some crazy big life changes. I suppose it's worth calling out here that I didn't just one day wake up and say, you know what, something isn't right here and i'm changing everything. I wish I did, but no, I can't take that credit, if only it was that easy eh!? I got ill, and with that had A LOT of time to reflect on my life. Despite the many many physical symptoms I was experiencing (that were clear signs my body was telling me to slow the bloody hell down), I kept going. I'd describe myself as a 'stress resilient' girl and kept going and going and going....until I simply couldn't anymore. We are praised in society for being ambitious, hard working and strong, it's even celebrated when you work late * FYI this is a major red flag that your employer has a toxic work environment*, so I did what was expected and kept going. I kept going until my body shut me down completely.. as in shut me down AOL style, you just got knocked the eff out Friday style, power supply to my body removed until you recognise the damage kinda style... you get the message right? So I found myself questioning how did I get here? What was the point in working so hard? And this ultimately led to questions like was it worth it and what did I get for it? To answer the first question .. hell to the no, and for the second...Burnout. Early onset menopause. Loss of everything I once took comfort in; my career, my ability to exercise, my routine, a fair chunk of what I once described as 'friends' and my ability to socialise or even get through a day without a 4 hour nap. I was positively done for. It. Was. Brutal. HOWEVER, just as the phoenix was reborn from its previous ashes in Harry Potter *no judgment will be accepted for this legendary reference*, I too have shed my old life, found my wings and with that, a whole new zest for life! Here's the thing with life, when all of your coping mechanisms are taken from you, and you are brought to your knees by ill health, you have two options. One, you wallow in misery and blame the world and all of its inhabitants for your current situation, or two, you begin to look inward, you reflect on how your life is going and start to ask yourself where you need to own accountability and what needs to change to help you achieve the life you want. I found myself in a true state of awakening and while it scared the bejesus out of me, it was the start of the new me and my new life.
I quit the corporate 'career' job that was draining my life force, I left my home town and the small town mentality that went with that, I left the place that homed my many toxic ex partners *a looong story for a different blog on another day on 'how to not devalue yourself!'*, I stopped fighting for friendships that didn't value me the same way I did them, and in doing all of this, I found myself with a clean canvas, a fresh start, and a chance to start again. In fact on this note, i should probably dedicate this blog to one of my old friends, who on hearing that i'd booked into a yoga retreat in Costa Rica to start my healing journey, she laughed the words *with what can only be described as utter bitterness and narrow mindedness*, "What are you going to do Jade, find yourself?' Well, yes Sharon I intended to and did exactly just that. *FYI I don't know any Sharons but for respect of this blog, and its soul intention being to help and inspire others, I've used a fake name. Sharon just came to me, it felt right? 😂* I remember at the time feeling really disheartened that one of my 'friends' would laugh at my very clear attempt to heal from everything that she'd seen happen to me, and struggled with the complete lack of empathy in her tone, simply unable to leave out her own bitterness and jealousy. Looking back, this was the start of me recognising myself worth, and exactly what I didn't want in my life. In life we have an infinite amount of opportunity to learn and make better choices - it all comes down to you and what you value. A tough but necessary lesson that I've learnt along the way is that peoples' behaviour says nothing about you, and everything about them. I now understand that the bitterness of those words was nothing to do with me, but more about how she felt about herself and her own life. This then evolved into a real growth opportunity for me as I began to realise that not everyone sees the world through my eyes, *lol when I write that down it sounds like I was completely self obsessed, maybe I unknowingly was but it was down to simple ignorance and lack of awareness*. Finding yourself helps bridge the gap between what you think is happening and what is actually happening, it helps bring clarity between your narrative of an event, and a truly objective one and it enables you to put your own emotions aside while reflecting on something. Through finding myself and practising Ahimsa (the first Yama of yoga), I choose every day to prioritise love above all else, that's love for myself and and love for others, and with that comes boundaries.
Sadly we live in a world where 'fake' is celebrated - physical bodies, projections through social media, and superficial relationships. Priorities have all been mixed up and now we live in a world where its not about what its actually like on the inside, or the true nature of something, and more about what it looks like to others. We are sociable creatures and so we can find ourselves living a lie through fear of being outcast, or being alone. I know through reflection I can certainly say I've lived like that. How many times have you done something you don't want to but did anyway though obligation. How many times have you been checked into somewhere through social media by friends, looking like you're having a blast but really you're looking around thinking these aren't my people? How many times have you gone with the flow, telling yourself it's because you're 'easy' when in actual fact it's been because you haven't had the strength or confidence to say no? How many times have you been hurt by something or someone, and pretended everything is ok, or perhaps you've even taken it upon yourself to then pursue making up with someone when they were the ones that did the wrong? Honestly my last is endless, and I hope in reading this you're able to start reflecting on your life.
My relationship with social media also has transformed immensely. Once the social butterfly, never wanting to miss out on anything, sharing everything on the gram, who I was with, where I was , what I was doing, what I was drinking, what I was eating, *pauses for a giggle 😂*, ok not quite the latter but I was full on. I just thought I was having a laugh and was being the extrovert Jade that everyone knew - it wasn't until I started my therapy journey that I started to explore the why behind this. When I look back, that wasn't the real Jade, it was a pumped up, lost version of me born from a sea of coping mechanisms. Don't get me wrong I love a laugh and I'm still a social butterfly, but I'm different now. My personal life and energy isn't now open for every Tom , Dick and Harry to tap into, it's for my nearest and dearest and whoever I choose to see it. I understand now that my life is precious and having boundaries with who has access helps me protect its value. That's not me saying that anyone who shares everything through social media is wrong, that's just me making a positive choice for me, through awareness. What works for me won't for others and that's the beauty of life - we are all unique and different. Nowadays, I use social media to promote business and and I follow a series of wellbeing accounts delivering content that I can grow and learn from. Whether that be quotes, videos, the general theme is that it's positive, inspiring or makes me giggle - anything that can be seen as encouraging. I'm all about the good vibes these days and helping others find their inner thrive. We all have our bad days, and I think its incredibly important to feel the bad stuff too without fear or shame, any emotions we feel is right and needs to be acknowledged and let out if necessary. But for my personal journey, and the intention I have for my followers, I like to focus on content that people can grow from that offers perspective. I welcome the anger that sometimes surfaces, usually in the form of menopause rage *which btw is a sure sign that you probably have something that needs your attention of awareness on a deeper level* , but I don't let that stop me. In my darkest days when I felt completely isolated, I found peace and comfort in quotes, poetry, soul food videos, and that's what I want to provide for others. I want to share warmth, encouragement, positivity and strength - with a dash of yoga and its' philosophy.
We find ourselves in a world with social media, a mechanism that can be incredibly powerful for business and community, but equally, can detrimentally impact our wellbeing. And yet its such a huge part of society? It's like sugar, we know it's bad for us, there's no nutritional value in it whatsoever and yet we can munch down a full bag of biscuits, smash a bag (or 2) or mini eggs and keep going until we can't physically fit anymore in. Just me? Ok, I'll own it, "My names Jade and I have mini eggs addiction". We are creatures of happen, and with this can find ourselves being pulled in to screen time addiction. How many of you can zone out from the worlds and hours go by while you're one the phone scrolling through anything and everything? How many of you connect long periods of scrolling to low mood and lethargy? We need to have discipline with social media exposure, for us and our loved ones - even more important for our children whose brans are going through fundamental development. Just like we need to be disciplined and monitor how long we spend working at the desk, or how often we exercise or sleep for *and yes yes yes, how many bloody mini eggs we consume in one sitting. Jees get off my case, I didn't say I was perfect, I'm human too guys. 😉*, we also ned to apply discipline to screen time. There are so many studies linking mood and metal health to blue light and screen time, this studies are everywhere, its's not secret. Linking this back into the theme of finding yourself, when you find yourself you also find what speaks to and feeds your soul, and in doing this I guarantee you'll want to spend less time losing hours and hours mindlessly watching things that don't bring value to your life, and want to spend the time doing things that replenish you instead.
In yoga we have something called Svadhyaya, which is one of the Niyamas (Niyamas refer to duties directed towards ourselves - inner observances) and it means self study. In reading ones self, or studying who you are on the inside, it is believed to to help deepen our yoga practice way beyond the mat. Naturally when I was completing my yoga teaching qualification this one jumped out at me as I had already found myself on a journey with myself. I was fully immersed on my own journey and was encapsulated by it. But how do you study yourself? Well, journaling is a beaut. It helps you get everything out of that beautiful complex mind of yours, and that in itself can be incredibly cleansing, helping you to declutter your mind. Before you know it you're venturing down familiar thought pathways, just going with the flow and sometimes they can even lead to hidden feelings or new pathways that can catch you by surprise. Journaling can be a cathartic way of processing thoughts, helping you free up mental space, enabling you to find some clarity. If you're a person of few words, then draw? Hell, sing if it helps get things out of you! There's no right or wrong with it, it's your journey and yours alone so you really can't go wrong. Meditation is another option, through meditation we can access thoughts and feelings that we didn't even know was there. If you're local to me in Lincoln, I host a Guided Pranayama and Meditation class every Wednesday evening @ Centred Therapies in North Hykeham so if it's something you're interested in, or have been wanting to explore, why not book a session and see how you get on? It's beginner friendly and you're guided every step of the way, I personally was always little apprehensive of meditation thinking it was a bunch of waffle and quite frankly a waste of time. *Aaaah - smiles inwardly at the Jade I used to be* I smile at my ignorance to so many things wellbeing related, and I don't kick myself or think unkindly to myself for not knowing the things I do now, I smile because its been a wonderfully eye opening experience in becoming the person I am today. Therapy or counselling are other ways you can study yourself - although this option can be rather intimidating to someone due to the ridiculous stigmas attached to it. Another insane idea or belief that I struggle to get my head around - how can working on yourself seen as anything other than amazing, and how in the bloody hell have we allowed it to have stigma attached to it? My personal experience with it was one of the best experiences my life - a full hour where you can voice anything and everything that's on your mind, in a complete neutral environment, from someone who has no expectation from you other than to help improve your wellbeing. SIGN ME UP. If you've taken the steps to start therapy with a view to understand yourself better, to help yourself heal, or to just simply start your inner work, that's not a bad thing, that's an incredible thing. You are literally amazing, brave, strong and amazing for having the self awareness to even want to start therapy in the first place so you should be super proud of yourself. If everyone had the awareness needed to start working on themselves, I reckon the world we live in today would be a better place. What say you? Lastly, walking. The simple act of going for a walk can be so powerful, helping you work through thoughts unprocessed, or even just walking with a friend having a good old fashioned chit chat. The trick is to stay present with your thoughts and question them. If something triggers you then rather than run in the other direction, ask yourself why and face it with determination. Nothing bad has ever happened to me when I've put on my big girl pants and faced the music, its scary yes, but my days your future self will thank you for it.
So I'm going to start wrapping up here. Finding yourself isn't always easy, it isn't a clean straight line, in fact it can be down right turbulent and sometimes painful. But ask yourself this, if you've lived a life so far without truly understanding who you are or what you want, and it's been alright, imagine how it will be afterwards! Or if you've lived a life that hasn't been alright, and its been filled with pain, trauma and tears, then how empowering is it to know that your own choices and self awareness has the power to change this? You'll be surprised at how finding yourself entwines with your self esteem and then feeds back through boundaries and self respect. Now my outlook is very much so along the lines of , if you don't value me that's ok, not everyone will, but that's my queue to not waste another moment worrying about it. Not everybody is going to like you - full-stop. That's life. And just to help prepare you (rather than go into it completely blind like I did!), when you start to evolve by working on yourself, putting your wellbeing first, it will probably come with a lot of goodbyes. That too is life. It can be painful, but necessary. I struggled with this because I naively thought that by being a better version of me, the people I cared about would all benefit too, but I now understand that that's not quite how it works out, and I accept that what and who is meant for me will be in my life. I won't be fighting for anything or anyone that either doesn't respect my boundaries or goes against my morals and principles. Through the Yama Ahimsa *please read up on the Yamas and Niyamas if you're interested in yoga philosophy - good vibes all round* which means non-harming, I choose to love myself, and with self love comes a zero tolerance policy on bad behaviour. Could have done with that knowledge about a decade ago but we live and learn hey!
If you are one of my menopausal ladies, then now is the time to rock n roll *in the sense that nows the time to listen to your body and thoughts and make those changes! 😁*. If you've got this far without listening to your body, without having boundaries, without putting yourself first, then I think you've bloody well earned this now don't you think? I talk a lot about seeing the menopause as a second spring in my Menopause Yoga classes , it's a beautiful alternative to the bleak western view that focuses on reducing hormones and all the ailments that manifest as a result! This Second Spring is a Chinese philosophy , welcoming the change, seeing it as a positive life period of creativity , using the energy once used for menstruation, now to do all those things we've always wanted to but convinced ourselves we can't for one reason or another. Stop putting others before you, stop saying yes when you mean no, prioritise your wellbeing and in general just sloooow the bloody hell down. Despite the promotion of speed is best that is woven into so many things, with urgency of needing to get to certain live goals NOW, needing the new gadget NOW, or even Amazon's operational model being based around delivering you goods the very next day, this life of ours isn't a race. Slowing down will free you from the anxiety and stresses of buzzing around like a blue arsed fly and you'll be able to take the time to find yourself. Small things that once went over your head can become the things that leave you in absolute awe.
Thank you to all of the people who've contributed to the person I am today - the good and the bad. I have no regrets and I look forward to humbly using life to help me further my understanding of myself, and that which surrounds me. Finding myself has been one heck of a journey and I am truly blessed to be writing these words.
Life is short, listen to your body, find yourself, and life will reward you.
That's my opinion anyway.
Sending you all love and light,
Jade
🌟
Comments